Who is popular today?

THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY

BC PIRES

EVEN FOR very fortunate people like me, who’d happily pay to do their jobs, the weight of the world can be too much. Days like that, I wonder if I’d be happier (or less miserable) if I were someone else.
Here’s who I considered today.

Liz Truss

Advantages:
* New job I haven’t yet shown I’ll be terrible at, like all my previous jobs.
* Could never be as bad as my predecessor.
* Every time I paused for too long in the middle of a drearily ordinary sentence, everyone would clap.
* Would have long hair again after decades without any hair at all.

Disadvantages:

* Would certainly firetruck it up.
* Will be held responsible for Brexit the moment I override the Northern Ireland protocol.
* May well be replaced by Boris Johnson.

Gary Griffith

Advantages:

* Would instantly know everything about everything.
* Would be leader of greatest political party in history.
* Would win the next general election in a fantastic 41-0 blowout.
* Might have a bit more hair.
* Would have a far better imagination.

Disadvantages:
* Would have to find a way of looking down at Keith Rowley although he’s a foot taller.
* Would have to play a black shirt-and-pants mas at Carnival.

Vladimir Putin

Advantages:

* Could bomb Ukraine, Moldova, Romania and Poland and loot whatever was left and Western intellectuals would say it’s all NATO’s fault.
* Would have 100 times more money than Elon Musk.
* Could ruin every economy in Europe with the twist of a tap.
* Would have a full-time food taster.

Disadvantages:
* Would have to walk on very long red carpets.
* Would lose a few inches in height, Napoleonic complex would get worse.
* Everyone in the world would still prefer Volodymyr Zelenskyy.
* No soul.

Volodymyr Zelenskyy

Advantages:

* Wouldn’t have to change wardrobe much.
* Would be same height probably but would
appear taller.
* Would go down in history better than anyone alive.
* Lots of free American weapons.

Disadvantages:
* Would have to stop firetrucking about and do real job.
* Might have to lime with Boris Johnson, will have to pretend Liz Truss is interesting.
* Everybody would call me Vladimir.

Joe Biden

Advantages:
* Would have saved the US from the disaster of a second term for President Soprano.
* Would still have a hot wife.
* Would be way more popular than I am now.
* Would get to lime with Barack Obama and Bruce Springsteen.

Disadvantages:
* Might yet find out that I had
not saved the US from the disaster of a second term for President Soprano.

Eddie Bowen

Advantages:
* Would have a show opening at Y Gallery this Friday.
* Would be the Architect of Impossible Physics who created the Jumbie Killer.
* Would finally be on the right side of “one picture is worth a thousand words.”

Disadvantages:

* Frustration with art market.
* Would have to go into the Abyss for even longer than I have to now to come back out with something.
* Would lose an inch or so of height, which, at our level, matters a lot.

Elon Musk

Advantages:

* Richest person in the world, give or take a Jeff Bezos or a Bill Gates.
* Could look like a raw dough pre-fried barra and still walk around bareback.
* Could go into outer space the way most people go to the mall.

Disadvantages:

* Would have to buy Twitter at a vastly inflated price I blew up myself.
* Would look just like Elon Musk.

Rupert Murdoch

Advantages:

* Would still terrify people at age 91.
* Could use a salt prune as my Facebook picture.
* Would be filthy rich.

Disadvantages:
* Would be more filthy than rich.
* Would be hated by anyone who understood what I was doing – no, wait, that’s number one under “Advantages.”
* Probably wouldn’t enjoy Succession.

Samuel Alito

Advantages:

* Would go down in history and enter Catholic heaven as the architect of the repeal of Roe v Wade.
* Would be greatly admired by millions of women.
* Would be doing God’s work.

Disadvantages:

* Would go down in history and enter Catholic heaven as the architect of the repeal of Roe v Wade.
* Would be admired by millions of women but all would be sexless.
* Would eventually have to deal with my own conscience.

BC Pires is BC Pires. Thank firetrucking Satan. Read the full version of this column on Saturday at www.BCPires.com
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